Grieving and the Holidays

For those of us who have lost a loved one, the holidays can bring up lots of feelings--some good and some sad.  This is true for us as adults as well as for children.  When the holidays approach, and we are surrounded by family, we especially notice those who are missing.  We remember memories of other holidays, and miss their presence.

First, it is important to remember that children grieve differently than adults.  While we might appear sad, a child might present as hyper.  Or they might start acting out a bit.  This could be your clue that your child is grieving.

Supporting your child through this process is very important.  The best way to support them is to keep the lines of communication open.  Allow them to share their feelings and memories with you.  If they do not feel comfortable talking about their feelings, encourage them to draw a picture or write about their feelings.  They can even keep the drawing or writing private if they prefer.

You also might want to discuss with the child if they would like to do anything special to remember the deceased person.   Common practices include enjoying a meal of their favorite foods, sharing special memories, hanging up a special ornament on a tree, lighting a candle in their memory, or making a donation in that person's honor.  The child might even want to make a special gift for the person.

Other suggestions for helping your child during this time include 1.  Trying to keep things as normal as possible.  Normal routines are comforting to children. 2.  Make sure your child is getting adequate rest and is eating healthy foods.  By doing this, your child can feel his/her physical best, and be best able to handle difficult feelings.  3.  Give lots of hugs if your child is comfortable with physical affection.  Physical touch is comforting.  4.  Let your child know that it is okay to feel sad and/or cry.  It's important to not hold feelings inside.

If you find that your child is having difficulty this holiday season, feel free to contact me at lfillard@wcpss.net or at (919) 773-9557.  Many children might feel more comfortable talking to an outside person for fear of upsetting their parents.

Social Media Safety

Social Media Safety for Kids and Parents

Over the past year, we have been seeing more and more issues arising from social media. . . yes, in elementary school!

Students are accessing more and more sites and apps.  Most students are using ipods, ipads and phones to access these apps, and their parents are often not aware that they are using the apps or how they are using the apps.   Students who have never been in trouble are getting caught up in cyberbullying, teasing, and rumors.  And many students are "friending" people that they do not know and sharing private information online, putting themselves in very dangerous situations.

Here you can find an article about the new challenges of monitoring online activity: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/monitoring-children-online-activity-facebook-article-1.1291993

Here's some information and tips to keep your child safe online. Together we can keep our students safe and teach them to make response decisions online and in real life!!
First, here are some general safety tips to share with your child:

—Be picky about your “friends”—never add anyone who you don’t know in real life, and don’t add people who are “questionable” friends

—Don’t post personal information about yourself such as address, phone number, where you live, where you are going on vacation, school, etc.

—Don’t post pictures that you wouldn’t want EVERYONE YOU KNOW to see. Once you post it, you can’t take it back.

—Don’t say anything online that you wouldn’t say in real life to the person’s face. Lots of “good kids” get in trouble for saying bad things online.

—“Grandma rule”—if you wouldn’t want your grandma to read it or see it, don’t put it online.

—Respect age restrictions. If the app does not allow users under 13, then you don’t need to be using that app!

—Set the strictest privacy features possible. Get your parents to help you if need be.

Popular Apps and Sites:You Tube:

—Age requirements: 13 and older

—Risks: Contact with strangers; posts and comments are allowed; videos can be shared via weblink; people can post videos of you without your permission; inappropriate videos can be watched; —Safety procedures: Set account to highest privacy settings; do not allow people to post material with you in it.

Facebook: 

—Age requirements: 13 and older

—Risks: Contact with strangers; sharing inappropriate content; cyberbullying through chat/posts; photos can unknowingly be saved and shared; your location can be disclosed.

—Safety procedures: Only accept people you know in real life; do not talk to strangers; monitor the material you post; set account to private.

Instagram: 

—Age requirements: 13 and older

—Risks: Inappropriate photos that can’t be taken back; inappropriate comments made or received; strangers; all pictures/content are property of Instagram; “photo map” identifies your location; photos can unknowingly be saved and shared; can be shared with Facebook and Twitter allowing more people to see your posts without your permission; hashtags that are used can be traced to your account.

—Safety procedures: Only friend people you know. Don’t post anything you wouldn’t want grandma to see or read. Don’t say anything you wouldn’t say in person. Use privacy features.

Kik:

—Age requirements: 13 and older

—Risks: Contact with strangers; inappropriate pictures/videos that can be sent to others; phone number, email, and other personal information can be disclosed for legal action and/or people at risk of being harmed; allows vague user names to anonymously post material; photos can unknowingly be saved and shared.

—Safety procedures: Make sure your profile is private. Block users who you do not know or who may be sending inappropriate content.

Twitter:

—Age requirements: None

—Risks: Archives tweets; strangers; inappropriate pictures that can’t be taken back; inappropriate messages received or sent; hashtags that are used can be traced to your account; photos can unknowingly be saved and shared.

—Safety procedures: Set your account to private; monitor the content you post; do not accept stranger’s follow requests; do not disclose personal information.

Snapchat:

—Age requirements: 12 and older

—Risks: Contact with strangers; deleted messages cannot be retrieved; messages can be captured by screen shots

—Safety procedures: Make sure your profile is private. Block users who you do not know or who may be sending inappropriate content.

Gossip and Rumors

I am currently visiting all of the 5th grade classrooms, and our topic is Gossip.  By upper elementary, the students really begin to notice things that are different about each other.  If a kid dresses differently or acts differently, that can turn into kids gossiping about that student.  Gossiping can be very hurtful, so we are reading a book entitled Trouble Talk that addresses this topic. 

During the lesson, students learn that before they spread a rumor, they should ask themselves three questions:

1.  Is it True? 

2. Is it something Good?

3. Is it Useful information?

If students are unable to answer "yes" to all 3 of these questions, then they should not share the information with others. 

Students were left with these thoughts on Kindness towards others:

Kindness sometimes means NOT doing something.

Not making that comment.

Not noticing that flaw.

Not assuming the worst about someone else.

Bullying 101

Bullying is a hot topic in the news and in the schools these days.  At MCES, formal bully prevention lessons start in 2nd grade and continue through 5th grade.  Parents are an important part of bullying prevention, so let's go over what they learn!

First they learn the definition of bullying.  When we discuss bullying, we are talking about any number of "mean" behaviors.  These behaviors can be the stereotypical bullying behaviors (punching, stealing lunch money, etc) or non-stereotypical (spreading rumors, rolling eyes, etc.).  But for these behaviors to be truly bullying, they have to meet three criteria:

1.  They are repetitive:  bullying is a behavior that happens every day or every week.  

2.  There is "intent to harm."  The bully has the intention to be mean and to hurt the other person.  

3.  There is an imbalance of power.  The bully has more power, maybe because he/she is bigger, older, or more popular.

So what strategies do students learn to defend themselves against bullying?  They are given a huge bag of tricks, starting with simple strategies at the younger grades, and then moving to more complex strategies later on.  Some strategies include walk away (toward an adult), laugh it off or make a joke, ignore, agree with the bully, stick with friends, tell an adult, and tell them to stop (and we practice how to say this assertively) to name a few.

Kids might not remember all those strategies, but I do ask them to remember the most important two.  The first is the ONLY strategy for physical bullying:  Tell an adult.  Physical bullying is a SERIOUS problem and we don't want elementary students trying to handle that on their own.
The second I ask them to remember is the "stick with friends" strategy.  Remember from the definition that the bully has more power than us. . . . UNLESS we stick together.  Then we have power in numbers!! I demonstrate the concept by having a student break a single pencil.  Of course it easily snaps in two.  I then ask the student to break a whole handful of pencils.  This task is impossible, demonstrating how strong we are when we all stick together.

If you have any questions or concerns about bullying, please don't hesitate to call anytime!

Natural Consequences

As many of you know, I am a mother in addition to being a school counselor.  We currently have a 3 year old, and if you remember, this is a time that challenges your patience and parenting skills! So just like you, I often find myself looking for new strategies and insights.  

I have found that oftentimes, in our attempts to teach our children right from wrong, we are very busy coming up with consequences for their negative behaviors. . . and it is exhausting!  Are we punishing them, or ourselves, with these elaborate consequences??  I am a firm believer that when possible the best consequences are natural consequences.

I came across a great article about how to use natural consequences effectively.  Very importantly, it talks about how parents unknowingly sabotage the natural consequence. 

Check out the article at http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2012/04/natural-consequences.html!

Safety First!

 One of the most important lessons that I present every year involves student safety.  I am always surprised by the number of kindergarteners who seem to be unaware of the rules for staying safe around adult strangers.  I don't know if they have forgotten the information, or if the parents have not discussed this topic with them.  Regardless, it is so important to talk with your kids about strangers!

In the lessons, we teach the concept of "checking first."  We tell students that anytime they are approached by a stranger, they should never speak to the stranger or go with the stranger without "checking first" with a safe adult.  Within our lesson, we practice checking with an adult in common scenarios.  Children are asked to check with a safe adult when they are offered candy, offered a ride because mommy is sick, and asked to help find a lost puppy. 

If this isn't something that you have talked to your child about, please take the time to do it today!  You can find more information and tips on keeping your child safe at http://safelyeverafter.com/index.html and http://www.youthonline.ca/safety/stranger.shtml.

Rock or Clay?

 Or   

One of the things that makes my job worthwhile is when I visit a classroom, and a student mentions something that I taught them a year ago.  Another thing that makes my day is when a parent tells me that their child loves guidance, or that their child told them about my lesson.  All three of these things happened last week, so I was on top of the world!  

In the last circumstance, a parent told me that her student came home and told her about rock and clay problems.  The mom said the lesson even hit home with her, and she now finds herself thinking about whether a problem is a rock or clay.  This got me to thinking that this might be a great concept to share with all my parents.  All of us are going to have problems, and all of our children are going to face problems.  This concept can help!

All problems can be divided into one of two categories:  Rock or clay.  

A rock problem is similar to a rock in that no matter how much we push on a rock, it is not going to change.  For rock problems we focus on just feeling better about the problem.  We can do this by getting our feelings out through talking, writing or drawing, and by doing fun things that take our mind off the problem.  Examples of rock problems include divorce, death, moving schools--things that children don't have any control over!

A clay problem is similar to clay or playdough in that we can push on clay and change it into something else.  So a clay problem can be "fixed" in some way.  For clay problems we focus on trying to find a solution to the problem.  Examples of clay problems might include forgetting your homework, or having a fight with a friend.  For these problems, we might try to bring in our homework the next day to get partial credit, or try to talk out the problem with our friend.

So next time your child has a problem, help them to decide if it is a rock or a clay problem! It's a concept that the smallest of children seem to understand.  Hope it works for you as well as it has worked for me in the counseling office!